What If I had Said Nothing?
The summer of 2005 was the best summer of my high school years. My friends had turned 16 earlier in the year and already had their drivers’ licenses. It was a summer of freedom. Going to movies, to the boardwalk, to the park to play on the swings. Sometimes, we didn’t even have anywhere to go and we would drive around and talk. Those were my favorite times with my friends. We were all kids ready and not ready to take on the world. If a coming-of-age story is ever written about me, it would begin with that summer.
My crush at the time was a boy named Mark. While out to dinner with my friends one night, I was asked if I liked anyone. I, of course, said yes. I told my friends all about Mark and how I wished he would ask me out. We were giddy as we ate and my friends wanted to meet Mark. Later that night, we were at my house when Mark came over with a few of my brother’s friends. Mark and his friends officially met my friends. This chance meeting began a whirlwind summer of fun. What came much later was a string of relationships and heartbreak. I often think back to that dinner, and I wonder, what would have happened if I had said nothing at all?
For me, I never really dated Mark. There was flirting, some handholding, and when at an event we were always assumed to be “together.” But I wouldn’t call what we had “dating.” He was a boyfriend at a place, nothing more. My friends on the other hand did have relationships with his friends. These pivotal love stories changed our entire group dynamic. Though the relationships were fun and happy in the beginning, like most high school romances, they eventually turned bad. Lies were told, manipulation ran high, and fighting was ever-present. What I regret most is my part in choosing sides and contributing to the tension. Looking back as an adult, I wish I had stayed clear of all the gossip. Unfortunately, the teenage drama eventually led to our little group splintering.
When reminiscing about the dinner with my friends, I try to imagine what life would look like if I said nothing about Mark. Knowing how I was back then; my friends would have dropped me off at home and I would have watched TV until I fell asleep. No chance meeting. Would our little friend circle have remained as tightknit? Maybe. We would have finished high school and gone off to separate colleges. I’d like to think my friends and I would have remained close even going to different colleges. But we may have naturally drifted apart. Or maybe the chance meeting was meant to be, and my friends would have met Mark some other way. Some things could just be written in the stars. I’ll never know, and I wouldn’t want to find out.
Reimagining the past is hard to do when doing so would change so much about the current reality. Although I stayed in touch with my friends, it was never the same again. The guys who hurt them really did a number, but I know they don’t regret it. It was an experience we all had to go through. Maybe our lives would have been simpler if I hadn’t said anything. But if given the choice, I would not change that dinner with my friends. I would have still told them about Mark. That summer and the years that followed made us who we are today. Even though a lot of bad happened, so much good happened as well. We have pursued different paths and we are now on our way to becoming better versions of ourselves. The summer of 2005 will always be one that I look back on with warm fondness. The years that followed were tough, but I wouldn’t change them for the world.
